Agent Viru

first_imgAnupam MukerjiTuesday, March 1An optional practice day for the team. But the coach showed select players some highlights from the match against England. Bhajji was shown his dropped catch, followed by how he growled at others for their misfields. Piyush Chawla (PC) was shown how he got tonked for two sixes and then reacted to a wicket like he had taken a hat-trick. And Munaf was shown his performance with the bat again and again till it could pierce through his head. “All you had to do was run, you idiot,” Kirsten Kaku was overheard screaming. “But, it’s good to have him in the side,” Agent Viru told me later. “Now I am not the only bull head in the team.” Kaku has sought Sunil Gavaskar’s help to teach Munaf how to put the bat behind the crease. An obvious choice as teacher, given his fascination with “sliding the bat in”, as we have painfully heard a million times in his long career as commentator. But Munaf is quietly confident he will make Gavaskar forget it himself. Amazingly, most of India is wishing the same.Wednesday, March 2PCB Chief Ijaz Butt held a press conference after Pakistan’s win against Sri Lanka. Other than the victory, he spoke of how it was now clear that the Sydney Test Match, famous for Kamran Akmal’s 123 missed chances, wasn’t fixed at all. “It’s clear now that Kamran really can’t keep wickets. We should stop accusing him of dropping catches intentionally,” Butt said. Kamran, in turn, has turned to PC for help with a text that reads, “Please teach me how not to look stupid while doing stupid things on the field.” Viru tells me that PC has promised to teach Kamran as soon as he finishes teaching S. Sreesanth.advertisementThursday, March 3 Suresh Raina is getting desperate to break into the playing eleven. While the rest of the team trained at the Chinnaswamy Stadium, Raina headed to a leading cosmetic surgeon to explore ways of getting dimples on his cheeks. “Look like PC and you can get in,” Viru had suggested to Raina a few days earlier. All for a good cause, after all, Raina can definitely bat better and couldn’t bowl any worse. Raina even called up Praveen Kumar (PK) to confirm the pecking order. Raina was under the impression that his name came after PK’s in the Uttar Pradesh quota. “Even I know this much English yaar,” PK replied. “P comes before S.” And C is closer to D,” Viru added with a wry smile as he narrated the story to me.Friday, March 4I met Agent Viru at his house in Delhi where he had returned to get his rib injury scanned. He updated me on a few mysterious incidents. Apparently, Ashish Nehra’s after shave bottle was found filled with a warm fluid of similar colour but very dissimilar odour. Unfortunately for Nehra, he discovered it much after he had liberally applied it all over his face. Bhajji’s shoes were found filled with sand. And R. Ashwin, another bowler vying for a spot, couldn’t sleep the whole night as he felt his room was haunted. “A pattern seems to emerge if you combine these two incidents with how Sreesanth bowled a beamer at Yuvi and then smashed the bowling coach’s knees,” Agent Viru explained the conspiracy theory. When I asked about his rib injury, he explained, “Ribs were always fine, yaar. I was tired of the bisibele bhath in Bangalore. I had to have my mom’s aloo parathas. Now, I am all set for the next match.”The writer was formerly known as the Fake IPL Player. He will observe the 2011 World Cup through Agent Viru’s eyes.last_img read more

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